I've always known I'm not an easy person to date, and the fact that I never made the choice to change that is why I always find myself in this place. 

It's like I've grown accustom to starting over. It's like my mind creates situations to bring me back to this place of loneliness. I've found myself going through the same cycle in every relationship, so I can't really blame all the problems on others when the common denominator is me. 

If we attract not want we want but who we are, then that would explain why every lover I've had has an issue with commitment. For all my life, I've been committed only to myself. My "love me or leave me" attitude is proof of that. 

I've grown accustomed to loneliness.

Even though he's gone,

His presence is everywhere.

His scent is embedded in my nostrils,

And his laugh echos softy in my ears.

He's not here,

But oddly I feel his tender touch like he's near.

I miss him,

But I missed this woman of strength that I am more.

Loneliness is an addictive drug 

Because once you've tasted freedom, joy, and peace on your own

Nothing else will ever be sweeter. 

If you've read my urban fiction novel, Charge it to the Game, than you'll know that the main character, Tammy, has mentioned how marriage is not something she could ever see herself doing.

“Most little girls dream of one day growing up and becoming a beautiful bride, but I don’t think I’ll ever get married,” she shared to him one night during one of their late night conversations. “My mom married my pops not for love, but instead for the stability that he provided. They very rarely got along. She was unhappy and it would show in the way that she treated us sometimes. I don’t know if it was because her parents weren’t around or if it was because of my pops, but I can count on my hands how many times my mother actually told me she loved me. We never hugged and when the rare occasion came when she did want to hug me or touch me it just felt weird because I wasn’t use to that kind of affection at all.
I try not to complain about it because I really did have it all growing up. She made some pretty big sacrifices for us to live good, but I don’t think I could ever do that. He was hardly ever home and when he was there it was like World War 3. He didn’t talk to my mother like the queen she is and it didn’t help that my mother knew about the array of women he was dealing with.
I think what hurt the most wasn’t even seeing them physically fighting or even the mental abuse that was constantly going on between them, but it was having to spend every day of my life pretending that everything was ok. I still had to smile for every family portrait, attend every family reunion, party, cook out, and everything else in between and put on this big front that we were one happy family. I hated that more than anything. I think maybe that’s why I’m so blunt with my thoughts and feelings now,” she said with a wink to acknowledge how rude she sometimes came off. 

Half of me yearns to call him and let him know that it wasn't all his fault. That half of me wants to tell him that I attracted him into my life to deal with the ugly parts of me that I refused to acknowledge. On the flip side, the other half of me wants to do what I've always done when something seems to hard - run. That half of me knows that if I'm always single and alone I'd never have to deal with my less than desirable qualities, so I won't have to compromise a single part of the person that I am today.
 I'm literally at a crossroad. Because no matter what I choose, I know I'll be losing something truly important to me. I can either break up with my love of loneliness and freedom, or I could lose a man that means a lot to Khloe and me...