The beginning was rough. Khloe was young, but she made it obvious that she knew what was going on. I never heard her call for her father’s name more than when we first split. After he packed all of his stuff and left the condo that we shared I felt relieved, but that night reality hit me. I was alone. Yeah, my daughter was there with me and it was nice to be able to have her to cuddle with, but I no longer had financial help or the security of knowing that a man was in the house in case anything ever happened. We were alone.

There were many times I just wanted to lay around all day and stay locked in my bedroom.  I wanted to finish a tub of ice cream and just watch movies that seemed as dramatic as the life I was living. It was exhausting keeping a brave face when everyone around me was expecting me to just fall apart, but I had a little girl that I knew I needed to be strong for. Friends and family tried to offer suggestions and advice on how to get through the break up but nothing seemed to work for me. I knew their intentions were in the right place, but I wasn't in the mood to immediately jump in the dating pool again just to get over him, and it was hard to just sit around and meditate when my mind was constantly racing.

Growing up in a Hispanic household taught me to display only two emotions, happiness and anger. We rarely talked about our feelings, and crying was useless and out of the question. So I was completely shocked that day I learned that the only thing to finally offer me peace was to just pour my eyes out. My daughter was at my mother’s house and I was home in my shower when Pandora played Lauryn Hill’s ‘Ex-Factor’. I had heard the song at least a million times, but when I heard it that time I felt like she took all of my exact feelings and had placed them in that song. “Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. Tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity?” I belted her lyrics out and did it with passion in every word. Every line I sang, I did it with force and a lot of anger behind it. Then it happened. “See I know what we got to do. You let go and I’ll let go too.” My voice cracked as I tried desperately to hold back the inevitable” ‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you, and no one ever will.” I could no longer continue to sing the song as tears began rushing down my face. “No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain't working. And when I try to walk away you’d hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy”

I slid down in the tub, and I allowed the shower to flow over my entire body like rain. I emptied out every single tear that I had held on so tight to. It seemed like Pandora was sensing my mood because every song that came on afterwards was just as depressing as the one I had broken down to. I can’t even imagine how long I sat there holding my legs to my chest crying. The cold water that began falling down on me couldn't even break the trance I seemed to be in. Then, a Lauryn Hill song I had never heard before started playing. I tried to silence my cries so I could pay closer attention to what she was saying “He says there’s no me without him; please help me forget about him. He takes all of my energy trapped in my memory, constantly holding me, constantly holding me.” Then she beautifully sang,

“To finally be in love, and know the real meaning of a lasting relationship                                                 not based on ownership. I trust every part of you, ‘cause all that I… All that you say you do, you do.                        You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself                                                                                              I just can’t believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure, someone so immature; oh you inspire me, to be the higher me.”

At that moment I smiled; I smiled because I realized that what she was singing about was attainable. I was not going to be that young girl crying by herself in the shower forever. I made the decision then that I was done being worried about my past and that was the last time I would ever cry about it again. The way she sang about the perfect man gave me hope that I wasn't crazy for believing that real love was still out there.

“Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God, Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God”

The whole time I was listening to all of her words I thought she was describing a man. It wasn't until the very end that I realized the man she had personified was the Lord. It was amazing how it seemed like his arms really were embracing me as I felt a sense of peace and calm that I had not felt in years. I no longer felt alone and I recognized that the only security I needed had been with me the whole time. That moment of complete weakness had allowed him to move me in a way that I had never felt him before. It was then that I finally understood that the only things I needed in my life was God and my baby. Anything I received after that is simply a blessing.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Crying is NOT a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of having tried too hard to be STRONG for TOO LONG. In every breakdown there is a breakthrough if you allow it to happen.