& If You're Tired of Starting Over - STOP Giving Up!

OMG I saw him again!

I hate to admit it, but I'm a creature of habit. I went into the same sushi place at a different time and with my luck I would run into the guy that I've been avoiding my favorite sushi place in an effort to avoid running into him again. It was awkward to say the least.

I casually tried to act like I didn't notice him when he walked in by barely avoiding eye contact and began to write in my black leather notebook again. He walked over to my small booth in the corner to speak to me anyway.

"Long time no see stranger," he said as he didn't wait for an invitation and took his seat across from me. We danced around with a little small talk until he asked the awkward question I desperately wanted to avoid, "So where have you been?"

If he knew anything of substance about me, he would have known that I absolutely hate having to explain myself.

"I've been around. I've just been a little busy," I replied nonchalantly.

Although he didn't say it, his face wore the disappointment that my vague answer left him with.

"I missed our conversations. How do you just disappear on me during the NBA finals? You know I really could have used your know-it-all comments during all of the excitement. If this is going to be our new time just let me know," he suggested sounding hopeful that I would resume our 'spontaneous' dates.

"I'm not ready to commit to anything right now. Let's just continue to keep this light. I like how carefree this is."

"I don't," he replied bluntly.

His honesty caught me entirely by surprise. For the first time since we met, he actually left me speechless.

"It's not everyday that I meet a woman who is smart, beautiful, and shares the same passion for basketball as I do. Let me take you out on a real date. Let's get to know each other and see where this could go."

I did my best to avoid having to turn down yet another date invitation, but it didn't last long.

"Why are you so stubborn? There are woman out there that would love to be courted like I want to with you, and you just won't give me a fair chance."

He was right. There are plenty of women out there who would kill to have such an attractive and intelligent man who was practically begging for her time. Hell, just a few weeks ago I professed to you guys that I want it all, but I realize that I wouldn't be getting all I really wanted if it didn't include the person I wanted it all with. Yes, unfortunately, it comes back to him (again).

I realized at that very moment that I had been so determined to have it all that I never once stopped to enjoy the moments that I did have with him. When we were together I would inundate him with all of my wants, wishes, and complaints that I never stopped to consider what he wanted. Now that I was on the opposite side of the problem I saw things differently.

Yes this man who sat across from me this evening sounded more than willing to give me all of the things that I thought I wanted just a couple weeks ago, but the more he tried to sell me on why I should give him a chance the more I wanted to run out of that place and just call him.

I enjoyed our conversations as much as he did, and I never once led him to believe that we would ever be anything more than just each others random lunch date. If he really enjoyed my company and conversation then why was he choosing to push me away with his persistence instead of appreciating the moment of my life that I was sharing with him?

That one thought, in addition to the reader question I just answered, led me down a series of other important thoughts. So while his pretty lips continued running on about how perfect to him I seemed to be, the more my mind raced how far from the truth that actually was.

I've said it before - I'm not perfect and while I did mean it at that time, I still placed myself on a higher pedestal then I should have. Now don't get it twisted: I'm definitely still a winner, catch, prize, and all of that in between, but I now recognize how my faults and my refusal to actually change them contribute to my failures in relationships. I have no problem landing what some may consider the 'perfect man' - I just have a problem keeping them.

So while yet another 'perfect man' sat in front of me doing all of the things that I would love to have from someone else, I realized something very important. I can enjoy sushi, Bonsai, and ESPN by my damn self and love every minute of it. I can't, however, imagine a world without him. Even if I don't have the huge family or any of the other stuff I wine about on a daily basis, I know I'll have everything I want with just him and the family I've already been blessed with. 


I had been doing so well, or so I thought, by putting up this guard again to keep out the only man that I've truly ever loved, but now it seems that the more I try to run from him the more the universe keeps finding ways to drive me back to square one with him. So although I've used this title a trillion times, I'm starting over (yet again), but this time I'm going to really do things differently.

Don't believe me?

#JustWatch

Oh...I almost forgot that I was telling you a story about my 'date' tonight. Long story short, I practically dashed out of there as smooth and as fast as I could. I explained that I had a deadline (which isn't a lie but he doesn't need to know that I'm the one responsible for setting it) and had to leave. I paid for my tab, and thanked him. I told him how valuable my time with him had been, and how he had left me with a lot to consider. He smiled what appeared to be a very genuine smile, so I didn't want to crush his spirits by letting him know that the consideration he left me with was for another man. I returned his smile, and as I strutted out of my small, piece of sushi heaven in my six inch heels, I silently said goodbye to him, our 'dates', and the peace that I used to find in that place. So while you probably won't hear me talk about him, or that sushi spot, I am NOT breaking up with their sushi - HELLOOO DELIVERY MAN!