Because I Don't Need a Man - I Need a Champion

"To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family….I will give you all of this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

The problem with me in relationships is not the other person - it's me. I don't have any boundaries and for this reason I have no choice but to dive head first into the person that is capable of doing what many have tried and failed to get me to do - to love them. I'm not usually vulnerable, but once I am I become an open book. I keep nothing to myself because as much as I claim to hate being emotional I don't want to take the chance to have to do it with another human.

I spend too much time cultivating someone else's amazing qualities that I lose site of my own. My optimism is often too much for this pessimistic world we live in much less for a partner who is too realistic to see the joys in accepting everything that comes our way with a smile. My love for people in general means that the relationships I carry with others could drive an insecure man insane. My obsession for different cultures means that I may never find true happiness adapting to a 'normal' way of living. My thirst for knowledge means that I'll constantly be on the search to learn another task. I guess that's why I've been told quite a few times that I'm a true jack of all trades but a master at none. And although it hurt to hear that from lovers before, I'm now not only satisfied but I'm happy with that. I'm weird. I'm eccentric. I think outside of the box, and I will never allow the negativity of the world to affect the peace that I have within myself. There is nothing wrong with any of that.

While I've spent a great deal of time being a 'permeable membrane' it doesn't do my partner or me any good. What makes me great is all of those qualities that it took me years to realize that I had. I'm only a quarter of a century old, so that means that I have many more things to learn about myself. If I allow myself to drown into the person that I love then I will never have the time to learn them.

I will always be a lover of love, and I don't think anything in the world can change that. It doesn't matter how many times my heart is broken or how many tears I cry in search of love; I will always love again. This time though it will be different. I'm no longer looking for anyone to dive into completely because now I'm waiting for someone who is going to help lift me higher. Together we will elevate each other and cause the other to step further outside the box. That's when I will know that I've really found him; that's when I'll know it's real.