Moment of Honesty...

My biggest fear with dating: wasting my time.
So do you want to know what I do as a result of that? I waste time worrying about how I don't want to waste time.
Don't believe me? Look at my track record.
I've been engaged twice. Once to a man I thought I was actually going to marry. Despite the decision I made at 8 years old that I never - ever - wanted to get married, I had agreed to do it with a man I thought I could spend forever with. Well, that was until I realized he not only saw himself with me but with any other woman who would give him the time of day. So I called it all off, and made the decision to start over. He, on the other hand, went on to marry one of the women he cheated on me with.
Then, I met this man. (Don't ask me his name because I honestly don't remember it.) He was fine, had a fancy car, a nice job, and wanted me to be his wife - after only one month of dating. I said yes. I did it not because I wanted to marry him, but I did it because I wanted the feeling that I felt I was cheated out of. Thank God he was so understanding when I explained to him that it wasn't going to work out. Luckily for him, he went on to get married to a beautiful woman and they had a few kids together.
After that, I dated here and there until I met Khloe's father. Although we knew within the first 2 years that we weren't compatible, we still tried for several years after having her. After over half of a decade together, things were getting worst with no sights of things ever changing, so I started over - again.
This time, I gave myself some time to heal. I dated with no intention of it ever going any further than just casual conversations and drinks. Then after several months of that, I decided to give love a try again.
Then, I met him.
He was my muse, my best friend, and partner in crime. He inspired me and motivated me to step outside of my comfort zone. As a matter of fact, he was the first man who seriously invested anything in my future by buying the laptop I needed to start this blog and my books. He invested in my sanity by teaching me his mistakes so that I could be better than he was. He taught me the importance of responsibility, goal setting, and following through on the things that I started. I could never deny it - I loved that man. Although I knew this, my stubbornness and attitude would never allow me to face the reality. Why? Well because I was afraid that being that honest to myself and to him would just be a waste of time for me in the end. So we would break up, get back together, just to call it quits - again.
The roller coaster ride that was that relationship caused me to pen poems I didn't even know I was capable of writing. It was the inspiration behind my book The Chronicles of a Love Addict and so many other beautiful things came out of the most painful part of my life.
We didn't work out, and after that I was single for a while.
I gave myself a little time to heal.
I dated myself. I focused on my kid, and my business.
I found pleasure in serial dating again. I enjoyed the fruit of all of my hard work, and than I met him. (For my faithful readers: no not that him - that him is so over - finally. I met someone else who caused me to break the rules I said I never would have done.)
He was everything that I had dreamed of. Lord knows how I love my men, and he was exactly that. Yet here I am, again.
I'm here at this crossroad that I can do one of two things.
I can keep on trucking forward on this same merry-go-round that I've been stuck in since the first time my heart was broken by a man I trusted.
Or, I can learn to trust again by completely putting everything I have in my relationship with God.
In a sincere moment of honesty - even with myself, finally - I never give myself a real chance to just feel what I'm feeling. Pain hurts. Loneliness can be overwhelming (especially at night), and being at this place again is never easy. In the past, I'll drown myself out of my problems by focusing on everyone else's. This will be the time when I go back to answering my reader questions so I don't have to be vulnerable enough to say what I really think or feel. Sorry to those of you who were waiting on me to finally respond to those questions, but I think that part of me is done.
Judging from the responses from questions I did answer, I'm great at helping others through what they're going through. I need to finally be that way for myself. How can my advice work for everyone else but me? Well, it's because I know what needs to be done, sometimes I honestly don't have the faith to follow through with it. I need to stop doing that today. Actually, let me rephrase that - it stops today!
I still love him, and despite what I said in previous posts - I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I know God is seriously moving in my life when I can hit that immediate point of recognizing where I went wrong. I know His presence is obvious when I can miss the part of being petty/mean, and hop right over to the feelings that I'm really feeling...I miss him.
So, this time I'm starting over - again - but focusing on who should have been the focus all along: God. I'm finally going to put my faith and trust in the source that it belongs in because whenever I put it solely on men I always find myself here - again. That merry-go-round of unsuccessful relationships for me stops today.
How can I say that so boldly? Well, it's because this time I have faith. I realize now that when my relationship is right with God, everything will fall in line according to His plan. It's not going to look how I would imagine, and for once I am perfectly OK with that. The bible says that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above whatever we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), and I finally want whatever he has for me. I'm tired of doing things my way because they always leave me here - again.
From now on, I'm going to stop hiding my testimony behind trying to fix other people's problems. It's because of your questions that I'm reminded that we all go through similar pains and problems, but there is only one source for the answer: God & His word.
If the just shall live by faith, then I'm really doing that today. I'm no longer wasting time just wasting time. This time around, I'm actually going to start planting seeds of what I want in faith, and I'm no longer going to just start over again when a little doubt creeps in.

Moral of the Story: Someone once told me that once you choose to have faith - anything becomes possible. Thanks to Hebrews 11:1 we know that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
I'm no longer living for the things that I can see, touch, smell, feel, or hear. Greater things are coming in my life, but they will only come if I'm ready and have the faith to receive them.